MY SON THE DOCTOR
* A spoof. *

I came home today, after six hours of open heart surgery at the Prince George Regional Hospital. My son had moved out. Not completely, his football is still here, his calculator is gone. He left behind all his hockey gear, but took his notebook computer.

His soccer shoes are still in the closet but his Diconix portable printer is gone. Before he packed it he used it to print me a note; `Dear Dad. Am catching the Big Dog. Got a Graham Bell from UBC (University of British Columbia).

They had a last minute cancellation. The seat is mine if I take it right away. Will phone you tonight. Your son the Doctor. PS. Could you put some cash in the ATM, my plastic is getting low.'

A Doctor!

My son is going to medical school?

Where did I go wrong?

I gave him everything a boy could want. I put him through Wolf Cubs and Boy Scouts. I even took training as a hockey coach and taught him how to skate. Didn't I buy him the finest stick, the best helmet, the most expensive face mask on the market?

I encouraged him in every sport going. I drove him to games at night and to tournaments at five o'clock on Sunday mornings.

My son the all-star; My son the fullback, My son the center. My son the Doctor? God! Why me? Why Me?

I worked and slaved to make enough money so that he could have a good education. Didn't I send him to Hockey school in Kelowna just last summer? A Wayne Gretsky he ain't. But even a left defenseman makes a Mil. a year. Plus expenses. What's a doctor make? A Mil a year? Maybe if he's a brain surgeon. And out of that he has to pay all his expenses; wages for staff, rent for office, golf fees. Now there's where you can make good money.

I bought him the finest set of clubs money could buy. But does he want to be another Jack Nicklaus?

How big an audience do you have in an operating room, and most of them are male.

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Name the top ten supporting operating room staff for 1985? Who was the most valuable anesthetist in '83? Do they have a hall of fame for Gynecologists?

You hear about operating teams. Do you know any of the names of any of the members of the team? If you had a score card could you tell who they were? Do any of them ever win a Cadillac for being the most valuable player on the team? Name the nurse who has done the most number of closing without leaving a sponge inside.

I used to have a really nice crushed oyster shell driveway. Five years ago I dug it up and poured concrete in its place. I bought a regulation Plexiglas backboard, mounted it regulation height and inflated the ball to regulation pressure. Do you know how much fans pay for an autograph of an NBA star? Have you ever heard of anyone paying for an autographed scalpel?

Can't you just see the youngsters in the alley: "I'll trade you two initialed suture needles for your Dr. Fieldstone surgical clamp." "Only if your throw in a face mask of his nurse from the Aug. '72 tracheotomy."

Do you know how much you can get for an autographed ball caught in Candlestick Park? Can't you just picture the fans gathered around an operating table, diving underneath, and fighting to see who gets the dropped stethoscope?

I know medicine is an honoured profession and most doctors drive nice cars and have nice homes but they have to go to college for five years, intern for two years, finance, furnish, and equip their new office, pay interest for ten years, pay mortgage on their homes for twenty years.

I didn't want my son to have to suffer through such agonies. He is young, strong, and physically fit.

Why couldn't he be more interested in sports? He could have fame and fortune.

Why don't children listen to their parents? The Human Being is supposed to be more advanced than other animals because they can communicate, remember, and pass on knowledge to their young. Unfortunately, unlike other animals, the offspring of humans don't listen to the teachings of their parents.