jokes, humour, Goof, page one of Bear's Humour Pages.

HUMOUR in a PEA POD

A collection of GOOFY SHORTS that friends have sent me. Updated `07 Aug. 11

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.
* * * * * * *
1: A Penny For Your Thoughts - Courtesy of: DENNIS W.
Penny Penguin took her car to the shop to have it serviced.
Wally Walrus said he was busy but would get to it shortly.
Rather than sit around the shop, Penny went for a walk.
After walking for some time Penny thought that it would be time to go back.
Nearing the shop Penny spied an ice cream parlour and thought she would indulge.
Back at the shop Penny Penguin found Wally Walrus under her car.
Upon enquiry Wally Walrus said, “It looks like you just blew a seal”.
Penny Penguin turned red in the face and stammered, “No, no, I was just eating ice cream”.
END
* * * * * * * *

2: Guts - Courtesy of: REDSKY
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

CAMPING WORLD
For all your
RV camping
needs

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"
END
* * * * * * * *

3: Day 2 - Vancouver Blizzard 2006 - Courtesy of: DODIE
Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional few centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.
Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
"The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto."
END
* * * * * * * * *

4: News Headlines - Courtesy of: DODIE
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
END
* * * * * * * *

5: Holy Vodka - Courtesy of :Some Girl

MOTORCYCLE SUPERSTORE . COM
Accessories, Gear, Parts

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
END
* * * * * * * * * *

6: WalMart Greeter - Courtesy of: Peter G.
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The older Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
END
* * * * * * * * * * *

7: Legality - Courtesy of: REDSKY
A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp, new, $100.00 bills.
After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.00.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
END
* * * * * * * *

8: Morning Funnies - Courtesy of: REDSKY
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the fuck out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
END
* * * * * * * * * *

9: Computers - Courtesy of: REDSKY
A young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he Was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression came over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
She wrote... I D 1 0 T.
END
* * * * * * * * *

10: My God - Courtesy of: Peter G.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

THE WORLD OF GOLF
Balls, Clubs, Shoes, Etc.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."
END
* * * * * * * * * *

11: Italian Boys Confession - Courtesy of: REDSKY
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

BARE
NECESSITIES
Name brand
bras, panties,
lingerie
and more

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
END
* * * * * * * * * *

12: You do the Math - Courtesy of: REDSKY
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 1 8 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T -T-I -T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
END
* * * * * * * * * *

13: They walk among us - Courtesy of: REDSKY
1) Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.

iPOD & iTUNES
A Digital Jukebox

2) While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
3) I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
4) My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
5) I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin.
She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin.
Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder.
6) My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk...
7) My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
8) I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
9) While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
END
* * * * * * *

To the top of This Page.
LINKS TO OTHER WEB SITES

The COMEDY ZONE
Cartoons, Humour, Jokes
The Hun's Joke Page
Amazing Jokes .com

To My Next Joke Page.
*************************
SAVE MONEY AND KEEP THIS WEBSITE FREE.
VISIT THESE FINE SPONSORS AND ENJOY GRRREAT SAVINGS

HAY HOUSE INC.
Heal Your Life - Heal Your Body: Audio, Books, Cards, Etc.
HOTWIRE
Fly, Drive, and/or Sleep; Cheap
Win a vacation for four. Just browse our bargain rates.

FOR MORE FINE SPONSORS - VISIT MY SHOPPER'S PAGE
* * * * * * * *
To Humour in a Peapod, Part II - My Next Joke Page.
To my HOME PAGE

SITE MAP

Send me a comment (and I will add it to my Guest Book), or correction, or just say, "Hi"!

CONTACT FORM
Thank you for visiting Bear's `Joke' Page.
Please come back and visit again!